Karma's mad,bad,sad day.
I have stated once before how I hate October , well on this day I will tell you why.I will tell you what happened changed me and my family, what put tiny little cracks in our hearts that may never be filled the same way again.
In October I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces and never be made whole again. I get quiet and try to bury myself in work and projects, I try to make my mind be quiet and stop thinking of could of , should of , would of and this is why......
As Karma would in October 2007 my bff called and told me that her(daughter) Beautiful Ballerina who was 17 at the time was sick and in the hospital with pneumonia." She is pretty sick." "But she should be feeling better in a couple of days, please pray for her." Bff asked. "Ok sure thing let me know if there is anything you need." I told her. Each day I called for updates on our Beautiful Ballerina. Each day was the same ,"No Better." Bff would tell. I would hang up and pray more prayers. Fast Forwarded to 3 days later hubs and I were headed to the store. When my cell phone rang. It was my bff she was crying "Oh, Angela it is bad our Beautiful Ballerina has gone into Respiratory arrest they are calling in the chopper from the children's hospital it is bad, very bad pray with all you heart." She said tearfully "I am Turing around right now, I am going to come to you." "No." she said "Just get-C- (her 15 year old son) take care of him, look after him until our Beautiful Ballerina gets better." "I Love you I tell her, Tell Beautiful Ballerina the same thing, Tell her to hang in there." I said.
With tears streaming down my face I pull the car over to the side of the road and pray like I have never prayed before. Hubs said "Let me drive, and what do you want to do? Turn around and go home." "Please, Please Lord do not take her baby away from her." I sobbed. Bff had just gotten a divorce the year before Bff and the kids seem to be on the road to healing their broken hearts.
Hubs and I headed out to Bff's house to pick up -C- he was packing his bag when we arrived, Bff and Beautiful Ballerina's boyfriend/fiance -B- came in to pack bags as well. I looked into my friends tear stained face and knew that this was every parents living waking nightmare.
We saw Bff and -B- off, then drove home in silence. I broke the news to the kids we formed a circle and prayed harder then we have ever prayed before. We prayed each night before going to bed I was on my knees each day praying. Each night I would get a phone call with an update usually it was the same thing no better no worse. I had taken to sleeping with our house phone and my cell phone just in case Bff called with any news.
On Wednesday night at about 10:30 the phone rang I grabbed after the first ring I knew without looking at the caller ID that is was BFF "She can't breath." She Cried," She is fighting to take a breath she is struggling to hard to get air, the doctors are taking her back to put her on a ventilator to help her breath, maybe to help her heal, pray, just pray for the best." "I will I say , I will." we say our good-byes and I hang up. Hubs reaches out to me in the dark and says "I Love you." and wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight.
When I woke up thursday Morning I was hoping it had been a nightmare, but I knew in my heart that it was not. I went to work cleaning house I was like a dusting,vacuuming,mopping zombie. Everything I did was on auto pilot. I remember telling all the kids what was going on and if they had any questions they could ask or if they needed or wanted anything to let me know. I hugged each of them extra tight that day.
Thursday afternoon Bff Called and said that Beautiful Ballerina was resting and that the vent is in place and the Doctors are talking about starting her on ECMO (ECMO is used only after medicine and a breathing machine (ventilator) have failed to make your loved one better.
The ECMO machine works for the heart and lungs) That night they started Beautiful Ballerina on EMCO. I looked up everything I could on ECMO machine and what happens, it seems at this time it was used as a last resort and that usually it does not work. My heart dropped to my stomach when I read this I knew, I knew deep in my heart that Our Beautiful Ballerina was not going to make it.
That night I had a vision/dream call it what you want I have only told 4 people about what I saw. I saw a bright light, I saw our Beautiful Ballerina laying in her hospital bed her long blond hair up in a ponytail her sprite struggling and afraid. Then I saw a bright golden orb/aura of light come down and take it place at the head of her bed and then one by one more orb/aura of bright light came down and surrounded her bed.The light I saw was beautiful and a gold I have never seen before nor since and slowly our Beautiful Ballerina's struggling stopped and I felt her at peace. I was in awe at this and did not tell anyone about what I had experienced.
Our Beautiful Ballerina held on for 14 days. That last day at 2:30 in the morning the phone chirpped becasue I grabbed it and answered it before it could ring my heart knew -D- Her Grandmother said"Come over to the house , She is dying Angela she is dying, Please come." I was up hubs right beside me. We were dressed in seconds and one the way out the back door my cell phone ring."I know I whispered to my Bff I know."She went into cardiac arrest, the doctors got her back but her pupils are blown they don't look right."Bff cried. "I love you." I told my BFF I will come to Little Rock and be with you if you want." " Not know, go be with my mom help her, be with her and dad and -C-"
When hubs and I arrived at -D's- she was chain smoking and pacing on the phone calling work leaving instructions for the next day, trying to decide if she should leave to go to the hospital or stay and wait for her other daughter to drive to town. I felt like I was in a fog, my mind numb how can this be how can our Beautiful Ballerina be gone. My thoughts jumped all over the place -C- he was still sleeping(he had stayed at -D's- that night.) I woke him up and told him that his sister was gone. He looked at me confused at first and asked me to repeat what I had said." Oh No." he said "Oh No."
Bff called and told her parents and -C- to drive up that she would be ok until they arrived. I asked -D- did she want hubs and I to drive them up. She told me no.
Hubs and I headed home we just sat on the couch holding each other for what seem like hours the phone startled us when it rang. It was Bff I could hear her silent tears as she told that the Angels had come for our Beautiful Ballerina. " I gave her one last bath, one last kiss, I squeezed her hand one last time." BFF told me. "I need a favor." She said " Please clean my house for me I know people will be coming over soon, I want it to look nice."
Hubs and I woke up the kids and told them their friend was gone. I think Wyld Child took it the hardest she slide to the floor and lay there sobbing we all lay down beside her and held each other like we have never held each other before.
I won't tell you how even after 5 years we still have an empty place in our hearts that will always be empty and I won't tell you how right now I wish I could sleep through October and let it pass me right by. I won't tell you how each October I get quiet and think of could of, would of, should of.......
In October I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces and never be made whole again. I get quiet and try to bury myself in work and projects, I try to make my mind be quiet and stop thinking of could of , should of , would of and this is why......
As Karma would in October 2007 my bff called and told me that her(daughter) Beautiful Ballerina who was 17 at the time was sick and in the hospital with pneumonia." She is pretty sick." "But she should be feeling better in a couple of days, please pray for her." Bff asked. "Ok sure thing let me know if there is anything you need." I told her. Each day I called for updates on our Beautiful Ballerina. Each day was the same ,"No Better." Bff would tell. I would hang up and pray more prayers. Fast Forwarded to 3 days later hubs and I were headed to the store. When my cell phone rang. It was my bff she was crying "Oh, Angela it is bad our Beautiful Ballerina has gone into Respiratory arrest they are calling in the chopper from the children's hospital it is bad, very bad pray with all you heart." She said tearfully "I am Turing around right now, I am going to come to you." "No." she said "Just get-C- (her 15 year old son) take care of him, look after him until our Beautiful Ballerina gets better." "I Love you I tell her, Tell Beautiful Ballerina the same thing, Tell her to hang in there." I said.
With tears streaming down my face I pull the car over to the side of the road and pray like I have never prayed before. Hubs said "Let me drive, and what do you want to do? Turn around and go home." "Please, Please Lord do not take her baby away from her." I sobbed. Bff had just gotten a divorce the year before Bff and the kids seem to be on the road to healing their broken hearts.
Hubs and I headed out to Bff's house to pick up -C- he was packing his bag when we arrived, Bff and Beautiful Ballerina's boyfriend/fiance -B- came in to pack bags as well. I looked into my friends tear stained face and knew that this was every parents living waking nightmare.
We saw Bff and -B- off, then drove home in silence. I broke the news to the kids we formed a circle and prayed harder then we have ever prayed before. We prayed each night before going to bed I was on my knees each day praying. Each night I would get a phone call with an update usually it was the same thing no better no worse. I had taken to sleeping with our house phone and my cell phone just in case Bff called with any news.
On Wednesday night at about 10:30 the phone rang I grabbed after the first ring I knew without looking at the caller ID that is was BFF "She can't breath." She Cried," She is fighting to take a breath she is struggling to hard to get air, the doctors are taking her back to put her on a ventilator to help her breath, maybe to help her heal, pray, just pray for the best." "I will I say , I will." we say our good-byes and I hang up. Hubs reaches out to me in the dark and says "I Love you." and wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight.
When I woke up thursday Morning I was hoping it had been a nightmare, but I knew in my heart that it was not. I went to work cleaning house I was like a dusting,vacuuming,mopping zombie. Everything I did was on auto pilot. I remember telling all the kids what was going on and if they had any questions they could ask or if they needed or wanted anything to let me know. I hugged each of them extra tight that day.
Thursday afternoon Bff Called and said that Beautiful Ballerina was resting and that the vent is in place and the Doctors are talking about starting her on ECMO (ECMO is used only after medicine and a breathing machine (ventilator) have failed to make your loved one better.
The ECMO machine works for the heart and lungs) That night they started Beautiful Ballerina on EMCO. I looked up everything I could on ECMO machine and what happens, it seems at this time it was used as a last resort and that usually it does not work. My heart dropped to my stomach when I read this I knew, I knew deep in my heart that Our Beautiful Ballerina was not going to make it.
That night I had a vision/dream call it what you want I have only told 4 people about what I saw. I saw a bright light, I saw our Beautiful Ballerina laying in her hospital bed her long blond hair up in a ponytail her sprite struggling and afraid. Then I saw a bright golden orb/aura of light come down and take it place at the head of her bed and then one by one more orb/aura of bright light came down and surrounded her bed.The light I saw was beautiful and a gold I have never seen before nor since and slowly our Beautiful Ballerina's struggling stopped and I felt her at peace. I was in awe at this and did not tell anyone about what I had experienced.
Our Beautiful Ballerina held on for 14 days. That last day at 2:30 in the morning the phone chirpped becasue I grabbed it and answered it before it could ring my heart knew -D- Her Grandmother said"Come over to the house , She is dying Angela she is dying, Please come." I was up hubs right beside me. We were dressed in seconds and one the way out the back door my cell phone ring."I know I whispered to my Bff I know."She went into cardiac arrest, the doctors got her back but her pupils are blown they don't look right."Bff cried. "I love you." I told my BFF I will come to Little Rock and be with you if you want." " Not know, go be with my mom help her, be with her and dad and -C-"
When hubs and I arrived at -D's- she was chain smoking and pacing on the phone calling work leaving instructions for the next day, trying to decide if she should leave to go to the hospital or stay and wait for her other daughter to drive to town. I felt like I was in a fog, my mind numb how can this be how can our Beautiful Ballerina be gone. My thoughts jumped all over the place -C- he was still sleeping(he had stayed at -D's- that night.) I woke him up and told him that his sister was gone. He looked at me confused at first and asked me to repeat what I had said." Oh No." he said "Oh No."
Bff called and told her parents and -C- to drive up that she would be ok until they arrived. I asked -D- did she want hubs and I to drive them up. She told me no.
Hubs and I headed home we just sat on the couch holding each other for what seem like hours the phone startled us when it rang. It was Bff I could hear her silent tears as she told that the Angels had come for our Beautiful Ballerina. " I gave her one last bath, one last kiss, I squeezed her hand one last time." BFF told me. "I need a favor." She said " Please clean my house for me I know people will be coming over soon, I want it to look nice."
Hubs and I woke up the kids and told them their friend was gone. I think Wyld Child took it the hardest she slide to the floor and lay there sobbing we all lay down beside her and held each other like we have never held each other before.
I won't tell you how even after 5 years we still have an empty place in our hearts that will always be empty and I won't tell you how right now I wish I could sleep through October and let it pass me right by. I won't tell you how each October I get quiet and think of could of, would of, should of.......
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