Karma says I am WHAT ??????
I Mixed vial A with vial B then poured all of it into vial C I watched the clock tick the minutes slowly by. I waited with baited breath my friend -R- waiting with me. My mind raced...........A little history before I go any further. It was the 80's were hair was big , shoulders wide, and beta max ruled. I was 18 the world was mine for the taking. I Had just started collage. I just knew great things were in store for me. But as Karma would have it the Rabbit died , the stick turned blue (or back then after 10 minutes the vial of liquid turned dark blue) that's right I had a bun in the oven, was expecting, knocked up , with child. I stood there my mouth open. How could this be? I knew who? I knew when? But what was I going to do keep it, give it away . My mind was a jumble with thoughts of what to do. First I had to go to work I was going to be late. Second when to tell the parents? Third ? What to do?
I went to work. Called my mom on a pay phone (no cell phone's had not been invented yet) She wanted to know where I had been ? Was I at work? and Have you started your period yet? GASP did she know? Oh man oh man. I told her I had to go and would talk when I got home. I just worked , worked and worked some more trying to keep my mind off of it.
Work over time to go home and bite the bullet. "Mom" I say " I am pregnant." She said " I already kind of guessed that." " What are you going to do?" she asked me. " I know a place where your granny lives that nuns have a home where you can go and have the baby and put it up for adoption." "I will think about I told her." But deep in my heart of hearts I already knew what I was going to do it had been about 3 months since the act was carried out so I had began to feel those first butterfly movements. There was a little person floating around in me. Someone I made , Someone for me to love. Someone who would one day love me. Being a Teen mom back then was not something that was shown on T.V. or something you could get famous for like today. Most girls had abortions or gave thier babies over to thier parents to raise.I was determined not to do any of those things
2 weeks later I had made my decison I was keeping my baby as the song said , funny how that song came out about the same time I found out I was pregnant. Mom and I made a joint decision that she would tell my dad. She did ask who the father was I told I was not ready to tell her yet. This was something I would have to deal with on my own. I was not proctecting him by no means. I had been drinking that night but not to the point of not remembering so what happened I tried to wrap my mind around it . Was I drugged, raped , what really happened. Why don't I remember. Yes, I did drink , No I never drank until I was sloppy drunk I like control . If you are sloppy drunk you lose that control I hold so dear. I never drank to the point of not remembering why was this time different. I wanted to ask him did he drug me but at that time roofies were not heard of. So I thought what has happened has happened and I can't change that . I think he knew I was pregnant we lived in a small town after all. I did try to tell him he would not give me the 5 minutes I asked for. So let him find out from someone else. My dad's recation was not what I was expecting he wanted to know if I was keeping the baby. Mom said "Yes I was. " Dad said " Ok good." They told the father , and his mother. His recation , Tears, for himself I am sure. Dad told my grandparents there only question. Was I going to marry the father. "No ." dad said " Why? " They asked " Because she does not want to was to was the answer.
Fast forward to June 11th 1987. A Green labor room , me reading a magizine thinking I can do this I can have a baby. Then the pain sets in I breathed my way through the labor. Mom at the foot of my bed telling me good job rubbing my feet. Demerol was the only choice you had for pain back then. The I felt it this sudden urge to push . The nurse yelling "Wait don't push the doctor is not here yet!" So I was transfered to a gurnny and rolled to the delivery room it was green too only with a mirror and a big over head light. "Pant,Pant like a dog ."Nurse is telling me. But I just want to push. The double doors swing open and the Dr. comes in "Ok he says give it you got and with one push. ..... She was here ..... They layed her on my stomach and I looked into those big blue eyes and feel head over heels in love with her. She did not even cry like the babies on T.V. she just looked around and seem to take in the world around her. I am a mother I thought , A mom , me a mom. Karma gave me something I did not even know I needed this child that helped me see I was born to be a mom. That even though things got tough sometimes like the late night fevers , early mourning feedings. It was still all worth it.
I went to work. Called my mom on a pay phone (no cell phone's had not been invented yet) She wanted to know where I had been ? Was I at work? and Have you started your period yet? GASP did she know? Oh man oh man. I told her I had to go and would talk when I got home. I just worked , worked and worked some more trying to keep my mind off of it.
Work over time to go home and bite the bullet. "Mom" I say " I am pregnant." She said " I already kind of guessed that." " What are you going to do?" she asked me. " I know a place where your granny lives that nuns have a home where you can go and have the baby and put it up for adoption." "I will think about I told her." But deep in my heart of hearts I already knew what I was going to do it had been about 3 months since the act was carried out so I had began to feel those first butterfly movements. There was a little person floating around in me. Someone I made , Someone for me to love. Someone who would one day love me. Being a Teen mom back then was not something that was shown on T.V. or something you could get famous for like today. Most girls had abortions or gave thier babies over to thier parents to raise.I was determined not to do any of those things
2 weeks later I had made my decison I was keeping my baby as the song said , funny how that song came out about the same time I found out I was pregnant. Mom and I made a joint decision that she would tell my dad. She did ask who the father was I told I was not ready to tell her yet. This was something I would have to deal with on my own. I was not proctecting him by no means. I had been drinking that night but not to the point of not remembering so what happened I tried to wrap my mind around it . Was I drugged, raped , what really happened. Why don't I remember. Yes, I did drink , No I never drank until I was sloppy drunk I like control . If you are sloppy drunk you lose that control I hold so dear. I never drank to the point of not remembering why was this time different. I wanted to ask him did he drug me but at that time roofies were not heard of. So I thought what has happened has happened and I can't change that . I think he knew I was pregnant we lived in a small town after all. I did try to tell him he would not give me the 5 minutes I asked for. So let him find out from someone else. My dad's recation was not what I was expecting he wanted to know if I was keeping the baby. Mom said "Yes I was. " Dad said " Ok good." They told the father , and his mother. His recation , Tears, for himself I am sure. Dad told my grandparents there only question. Was I going to marry the father. "No ." dad said " Why? " They asked " Because she does not want to was to was the answer.
Fast forward to June 11th 1987. A Green labor room , me reading a magizine thinking I can do this I can have a baby. Then the pain sets in I breathed my way through the labor. Mom at the foot of my bed telling me good job rubbing my feet. Demerol was the only choice you had for pain back then. The I felt it this sudden urge to push . The nurse yelling "Wait don't push the doctor is not here yet!" So I was transfered to a gurnny and rolled to the delivery room it was green too only with a mirror and a big over head light. "Pant,Pant like a dog ."Nurse is telling me. But I just want to push. The double doors swing open and the Dr. comes in "Ok he says give it you got and with one push. ..... She was here ..... They layed her on my stomach and I looked into those big blue eyes and feel head over heels in love with her. She did not even cry like the babies on T.V. she just looked around and seem to take in the world around her. I am a mother I thought , A mom , me a mom. Karma gave me something I did not even know I needed this child that helped me see I was born to be a mom. That even though things got tough sometimes like the late night fevers , early mourning feedings. It was still all worth it.
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